Giving Up Approval

You know how a single thought or message comes from every direction when it’s time to understand it? The message I’ve been getting the past week is about giving up my need for approval.

It came first in a class about grief. One of the unhealthy ways we respond to grief is pretending we’re fine in order to win others’ approval. The same idea showed up in a book I’m reading by Byron Katie, who says if she had one prayer, it would be, “God, spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation.”

Really? I love approval! I’ve always been a very good girl, which helped guarantee I got lots of approval. I still get approval. One of the great things about being a minister is standing around after the Sunday service so people can exclaim about how wonderful I am. (Some people duck their heads and avoid eye contact. Can’t please everyone, I guess.) Sometimes I don’t know whether a talk was good or a service went well until I gauge the level of approval. (Why do I confess these things publicly?)

This is part of being a divine doormat, which I talked about on Sunday a couple of weeks ago. Divine doormats let people walk all over them while they claim to be compassionate, understanding or non-judgmental. They mistake spirituality for being nice. And why are we nice? To win others’ love, approval and appreciation.

It occurs to me our whole lives are geared to seeking approval – pleasing our parents, getting good grades in school, attracting a partner, performing in sports, succeeding at work. Approval is expressed with awards, medals, scholarships, raises and marriage proposals. Approval is how we keep score.

So how could we live without it? Why would we want to? I’ve been asking myself why this message has been coming at ME from every direction lately.

I know why. I have set an intention not to be a doormat, to grow a backbone, to strengthen my sense of identity. Part of my life purpose seems to be learning how to love and engage with other people without losing myself. But authenticity has a price. Standing up for who we are and what we want means risking others’ disapproval, if only because we are different people and won’t always agree.

I do understand that in divine consciousness, the approval of others doesn’t matter. We can live in a state of love and oneness knowing all is well, including us, just as we are. We are likely to look with affection and amusement on our foibles and those of others, letting go of any need to make a point. And on those occasions we turn over a few tables in the temple, we aren’t afraid of others’ reactions.

I suppose the real message for me, then, is not to steel myself against the possible judgment of other people but to focus on my own consciousness, to elevate myself to the level of love that Jesus expressed. He was no doormat, and he certainly wasn’t nice. He saw other people as whole and never seemed to worry what they thought of him. He didn’t adjust who he was or what he taught, even when they wanted to kill him.

Today is Ash Wednesday, which begins the 40-day countdown to Easter. Maybe I’ll give up my need for approval for Lent and see what happens.